Existence
By: Britni Forbes Houchin

Can't get my past out of my present
always haunting me and I can't get enough.

His memory is a dream that couldn't last
so why do I hold so fervently to something I can't keep

This little game surely won't lead anywhere
but I still can't get enough.

So many things remind me of a time
when his expression was magic and his touch was flame.

I remember the way I felt and thought
All my emotion was encompassed in him.

My immortal being.

The hatred I feel should have ebbed long ago
but I just can't get enough.

Their looks and stares stab and tear me wide
Their questions won't be answered too soon.

Their quizzical expressions are comical to me now
if only they would ask.

I'm afraid I would spill all too quickly.

Understanding is something needed
in a place where confusion is bliss and judgement divine.

Ignorance used to have that standing but now it stands alone
desolate
in a place of non intelligence with no chance of escape.

When will compassion walk in and save the day?
How can it conquer the unconquerable?

Rigid walls form a circle portraying safety
all the while delivering nothing but demise.

Stuck in a place I can't escape and I can't get enough

What is this spell they have on me?
The rules were never defined
Lost in a sea of cruelty.

Words that stab like nails
Ideas that fade before life has a chance to linger

Originality that is widely viewed as immoral and unclean
I am the square that will never fit into that perfect circle.

That impenitrable mold that fits them like a glove
sits uneasy on my shoulders.

The burden is intolerable and yet I still can't get enough.

Separation seems imminent
Closure seems satisfactory.
But the words and actions never come.

Deliverance is a dream dreamt by fools
Fools who think they can escape unmarked.

The twisted scars hide from view
but burn like flame to a drought ridden field.

healing seems to take over in places
only to have old wounds reopened anew.

The eyes that burn to the core
it seems they see everything.

Nothing and everything to hide
the panic this concept brings.

The endless tunnel of acceptance
leads me absolutely no where and I can't get enough.

It spins me around like a child on a Merry-go-round
Spinning till I'm sick.

Slow enough to still see everything around me
fast enough not to reach it without falling.

This feeling leaves me dizzy and I still can't get enough.

What a fantastical feast of illusion!

Falling into the precipice of my life
is a temptation harder and harder to fight.

Suspended in time where no one can touch me
no one can take that away from me and yet they do

Losing myself unintentionally
Finding myself slowly and not liking what I have become.

How do I change this pattern of self destruction
without killing myself to please them?

The eyes of a child are trapped in a piece of paper
The glow stuck there forever.

Staring at myself in a vacant mirror
Trying to see that child staring back.

It never comes and I can't get enough.

that innocence and light seem to be snuffed out.
A faint glimmer of hope still lingers.

Get me off this ride so I can reach it.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Give me a reality I can live with
Help me to see outside the box I'm trapped in
Break free the bonds they have me placed in

Persecuted for being me
Condemned for trying to fit.

Where do I find strength when my soul is drained?
I feel like Gwynevere at the stake
awaiting the flames of my life.

Where is my Camelot?